Courage

Turning theory into outcomes

My heart is beating, fist and jaw clenched, with shallow breathe and a red mist in my eyes so dense it is almost literal. It has taken decades of learning, practice, reflection, and experience to instill methods to tame feelings of anger and rage over my journey. Yet, on this particular day last week I was fuming. A culmination of events led to this feeling, and I know all too well what the cascade looks like.

Over the past two to three years I have delivered workshops on conflict resolution, confrontation, difficult conversations, and courageous conversations almost more than any other. When asked about trends in the market place, I tend mention this type of work is being requested by the market more than most. In reality it is not a trend. It is a staple for leaders and all sorts of professionals alike.

Small and large conflicts tend to work through a similar cascade referred to as the conflict curve (below). Sometimes there is an incident causing discomfort and sometimes discomfort between people results in an incident. Either way, if unchecked, the conflict curve plays out.

If I were to take a pen and paper out I could chronical the emails, phone calls, and moments that led to this situation of mine turning from a butterfly's wing flap into a destructive tornado. It built slowly and stealthily until suddenly boom! The metaphorical mushroom cloud.

I felt compelled to share this reflection, because deep down I knew I had all the theory required to work through this in a constructive way. I knew what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I had the experience to manage myself and the other party. Yet, I found myself feeling disrespected, upset, and paralysed to perform a grown up, adult-to-adult conversation. This reality smacked me in the face like a Mack Truck.

I hadn't felt like this for a while. Where I had completely lost trust and faith in another and did not feel able to take the leadership step to understand, create the platform for dialog, or to work through whatever needed to be worked through. The best way to describe the feeling is diminishment. And, even though it left me with days of feeling off and not quite myself, I am thankful for it. This experience reminded me that to be courageous and hold the space for mature conversations in the workplace is difficult no matter who you are or how much experience you have.

I have come to the belief that theory and learning technique is critical. Some of us are better students than others, but without putting in the hours to learn and practice technique we are always going to work harder to get results. But, it is our ability to self-manage and relationship-manage through our interactions which brings our technical knowledge to the surface where it is valuable and creates outcomes.

Courage is a choice. We can take door A or door B. The one I took last week was the easy one requiring little-to-no courage. Yet, the other door is still open. And with a little courage I can turn this around. The option is still there for me. Do I want to take it? Is it worth it? How many excuses can I create to tell myself I don't have to? I have a choice.

My research tells me I need to stop thinking about myself and put the work and the relationship first. My research tells me I need to step out from social norms and break some rules I (and we) put on ourselves (chapter 6, The Rhythm Effect). And it will be courage that is built from this. Courage begets courage. And, I will not only be able to empathise with others in a deeper more meaningful way when they are working through awkward, difficult, controversial conversations of their own, but my ability to make courageous choices in the future will be enhanced.

Better outcomes all round. All of us could use a bit more courage right now. The world needs it.