Expectation

Where positive intention turns to red mist 

"I am not where I should be"

"I should be better than what I am"

"I should be so much further ahead, but I am behind"

These were the thoughts I was having about three to four years ago while I was building my practice as a coach, mentor, and speaker. I was lucky enough to have an incidental conversation with a good friend of mine Jeremy Watkins, author of Insight: How to sustain your performance without burning out. He talked me through his Belief's Quadrant model and it opened my eyes to what I was doing to my brain. In short, I was in a 'high-expectation and low-belief' mode causing all sorts of unhealthy cynicism, frustration, and even sabotage. Being in this mode means we burn extensive energy resources for very little return or productivity. We also transfer this thinking onto others, especially as a leader, where our expectation of what people 'should' do versus what-is-done can become unrealistic and cause strain on relationships. Exasperation and a loss of willingness can follow. In Jeremy's words, we surrender and become the Critic Leader:

The Critic Leader has typically surrendered to the status quo. "it's just the way we do things around here" will likely be the response to questions and challenges. Their expectations about themselves and others supported by their low level belief that outcomes will actually be achieved, leaves them in a position of defence. The critic will look for reasons to justify their (often ineffectual) actions and is often obsessed about being right and finding fault. The critic, often unconsciously and unintentionally, slows progress and finds barriers to change.

The curious thing is, where did these lofty expectations came from? Who wrote the rules? Who said it has to be so? Why is it so damned important to be so good? To be the best? In recent conversations with professional leaders suffering from such circumstances it is a question many find difficult to succinctly answer (as I did many years ago in my chat with Jeremy). The reality is that these made-up expectations are heavy. A weight we struggle to uphold and understand. A weight that only gets heavier as the perceived goals get further away no matter how hard we work or how much we want it. 

So, what is this all about? For me, it seems to be a game of Ego versus Humility. Ego says our status in comparison to others is more important than anything else. Humility says our feelings, emotions, wants, needs, and achievements are secondary to serving the work, serving others, and serving our own wellbeing. It is at this point things get a little confusing... How can I honour my drive and authentic emotions while putting them aside? How can I put myself last while putting myself first?

I keep it simple by playing a game of Red versus Blue, a tool of Emotional Control from the Humility Proficiencies in The Rhythm Effect. This is an idea from the New Zealand All Blacks Rugby National Team. They believe players make better decisions and play better when they are clear minded, grounded, and focused-on-team rather than descending into a red mist filled with anger, rage, or frustration. This is handy for high-achieving professionals and leaders. Seeing that your people need your clear mind, support, and communication (feedback, direction, encouragement, etc) rather than your frustration, emotional ranting, and moaning is helpful. It is an easy way to direct mental energy towards what needs to be done rather than focusing on what I call the 'dreaded should's'. 

Be careful of expectation. It can bite hard, often, and be destructive (ie. reduce resilience). Finding ways to soften expectations, create optimism, and realise goals creates momentum. The smallest amounts of momentum creates a platform and shift. My observations tell me it is from this platform we can surpass any expectation we originally had. Go figure...