How We Let Them Off The Hook (Often!)

These days we get behind-the-scenes footage of almost everything in the sporting world.

Formula One's Drive to Survive, The Test for cricket lovers, Break Point for tennis fans, and, All or Nothing covering many sports across the globe - these docuseries entertain, but also reveal the inner workings of leaders in high-stakes environments.

Many are praised as strong leaders. But beneath the spectacle, we see leadership missteps that let players - and often employees - off the hook.

Here is one clip of Arsenal FC Manager Mikele Arteta unleashing on his team after a poor performance:

There are a few elements to dissect through an accountability lens.

1. Passion Paralysis

We grow up being told to follow our passion and that being passionate is a sign of care and power. Yet, passion can in fact be our downfall. Ryan Holiday, the prolific author, wrote of passion:

"Passion is the reason why people fail, not the reason why people succeed. It is the reason we over-invest, under-invest, act before we are really ready, break things that require delicacy out of drunkenness of passion"

Getting angry or emotional (i.e. passionate) in the moment does not automatically translate to motivation, focus, or clarity. In fact it often does the opposite where the leader loses their train of thought and people feel frightened, demotivated, and at best - distracted.

My friend Dean Yasharian, head chef and owner of his restaurant Perle in Pasadena, California once remarked to me, "when a chef gets angry they have lost control of their kitchen". The Gordon Ramsay template is outdated, ineffectual, and encourage a group to be quiet, learn little, agree nothing, and simply walk away without any meaningful result.

2. Tell Tell Tell

When dialogue is one way, and we tell people what we are seeing, what they have done wrong, and what we have assessed, we believe we are in control of the conversation. But, this is a fallacy.

When Tay Tay or Dave Chappelle have the mic on stage they use lighting, timing, movement, costume, dialogue, and voice to guide the audience's mood, attention, and focus.

But, it is the audience that are truly in charge. They are the ones with the power to stay, walk out, give good or bad reviews, and to ultimately decide on the performer's success (and future).

When we are in 'tell mode' they may be ignoring us, disagreeing with us, or giving us the old 'nod-nod-yere-sure-but-have-no-intention-of-doing-anything-different' look. This lets them off the hook as they don't need to think, react, or even respond. They just need to wait it out and get out of the conversation as quickly as humanly possible.

3. Structure Will Set You Free

When I studied professional speaking under Janine Garner and Kieran Flanagan they drummed into me the need for structure. No matter how natural a piece of communication looks, when done well it tends to have a rigorous and deliberate formula behind it.

I have watched Arteta's rant dozens of times and it is safe to say there is no structure to it at all. If you watch closely - he is 'winging it'.

In communication workshops and coaching sessions I see this a lot - most professionals wing it! If our message is unprepared it unravels quickly and easily. Key points are often missed. Meaningless platitudes pour out. And, our message tends to be murky, confusing, and scattered.

Simple structures like SBI/AA, STAR, or Why, What, How, Now have been given to us by our predecessors. They are the scaffolding we can insert our personality, expertise, and observations into for real and effective discussions.

4. The Game of Engagement

When is your brain most engaged? Or better yet, when is it most engaged in a conversation? 

If telling is a good way to let them off the hook (because they are not listening), then how do you make sure they engage with your message without distraction?

You guessed it - ask more questions. Our brain is one big Guessing Machine. We are constantly assuming, calculating, and figuring out the millions of data points coming at us through our senses. This is called meta-cognition - a fancy way of saying pattern recognition.

Questions spark up many parts of our brain and distractions fade to nothing (especially when the question is well crafted). If we are asked easy-to-understand-well-thought out questions then engagement will explode.

Note: we do not speak in questions as much as we may think. One survey of 1000 senior and mid-level managers found they communicated in 'tell mode' 85-90% of the time (Pegasus, 1998).

This ratio is consistent with my observations. This low engagement communication is hurting accountability.

5. Triple Threat Experts

In basketball a triple threat is someone that can shoot, pass, and rebound. In entertainment it refers to someone that can dance, sing, and act. In our workplaces our triple threat comes in the form of the Susan Scott's Three Ds:

Defensiveness, Deflection, Denial. These reactions usually happen before our thinking brain kicks in. They are powerful ways for people to escape accountability and hijack any hooks you may want to anchor them to. 

By preparing for these predictable reactions we won't be surprised, caught off guard, or react with our own Three D's. 

NOTE: The bonus 4th D - Deadpan - when they give you nothing. Silence. Probably the most uncomfortable one of all. It is a killer move as it is unbearably uncomfortable.

So uncomfortable we fill the silence. We answer for them. It is the ultimate way to 'let them off the hook'.

When holding people accountable, the goal is to help the person, improve the person, and to respect the work above personal feelings or needs.

Yet, in the pursuit of this we shirk, shrivel, or get shirty. It means people don't have to listen, learn, or change in any meaningful way. By knowing how we contribute to low accountability we can make deliberate choices to approach our communication differently, and build momentum towards more ownership, responsibility, and empowerment.  

When we deliberately prepare our communication, with well-tested structure and purposeful intent, we create an ownership culture where hooks aren't even required.