Keeping Everyone Unhappy
Trying To Keep The Peace Is The Quickest Way To Misery
I have no idea how I got to this point. All I was trying to do was be polite. Do the right thing by everyone. And have a positive supportive environment for everyone to work in. But, instead, it seems like everyone is stabbing everyone else in the back and everyone thinks it's my fault.
Why is it that I have a positive intention and I deliver it nicely and politely and it ends up in tears? How can that happen?
The answer lies in two areas: 1. The Execution. 2. The Interpretation. Let's start with Interpretation - how people receive our messages and the meaning they derive from them.
The weird thing about people is that they don't like it when everything is easy. When things are smooth. Sounds wrong, doesn't it? But, what has been found is that when someone in a group does everything perfectly, or by the book, the rest of the group feels less respect for that person and even resents them. The reason for this is that they make the others feel inferior or 'not as good', and they can't help but blame the 'goody-two-shoes'. It is not fair and doesn't make much sense, but this is what researchers have discovered (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2010)
Lesson: People want to see leaders breaking conventional social rules (without being abusive or unlawful) and taking action. They want to see decisiveness, even if the decisions are unpopular or negatively affect them. As long as it is fair and grounded in purpose, people will generally respect the decisions and therefore the leader.
Often, trying to keep the peace builds up resentment leading to tension and eventual conflict.
The other factor is Execution. I have a long history of getting this one wrong. In trying to be liked and polite I have been seen as patronising and belittling more than once. It pains me to admit this, but I can see how this happened. In trying to be nice, I was treating team members like babies. Like they needed to be protected and couldn't handle 'big-people-emotions'. This can be down-right offensive. Professionals may act like children sometimes, but they are grown-ups none-the-less.
Lesson: When the intention is to move a project forward, then give it to people straight. Good, bad, or ugly. Deliver it politely and with care, but don't confuse the message with 'trying to be nice' nonsense. It only annoys people. Once again, respect trumps popularity every day of the week.
Leading people through tough work and maintaining standards is challenging. Trying to keep everyone happy and pleasing people on top of this is impossible. By keeping our focus on the purpose of the work, prioritising this over staff's feelings, and delivering clean well researched messages means that good intention results in great quality work.
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