Flipping Triangles
From destructive conflict to resolution
Many years ago I attended a company conference where the key note speaker was Jim Steele. He was memorable because lets face it, what a name! But, he was also a great storyteller and took the whole room through some inspiring content around mindset. One story he shared was the idea of below-the-line and above-the-line thinking. The idea goes that when we are 'below the line' we tend to cop out or cover up.
We use phrases like...
"Why are you blaming me? I wasn't even there! How was I meant to see that?"
"They're wrong! The processes are terrible. There is no way I can clean this mess up!"
"No, there's not a problem. Everything is fine. Now that I am here, I'll make it all better. See, everything is okay."
When we are 'above the line' we tend to roll up our sleeves and get stuck in. We use phrases like...
"I can see how this happened. What can we do next?
"Hmmm, it's an interesting problem. I wonder what we can learn here..."
"Let's break this down into manageable chunks. What needs to happen first?"
Jim told a story of Boris Becker and how he utilised this mindset model to push his performance to elite levels. The concept has stuck with me ever since. I recently led a group session on Conflict Resolution, and our discussion turned to the 'personification' of these two states. What do they look like and how can we identify if we are falling below the line (as well as seeing it in others) and what alternatives we can access? I turned to the Karpman Drama Triangle originally published in 1968. It fits elegantly into the mindset model, and when blackboarding in our session we came out with the following graphic.
Ultimately, destructive communication seems to be one of the biggest friction points and wastes of effort in our teams (Forbes, 2021). The cost is long, deep, and varied. The ambiguity it creates for all parties can be crippling. Certain situations influence us towards a particular role. I feel like we all have a favourite we lean into with ease and comfort too. We're only human after all! But, a small moment of awareness can help us flick our mindset during a discussion for a 180-degree turn towards resolution and connection for better outcomes.
Acey Choy (another cracker of a name!) published a therapeutic model relating to this called the Winners Triangle (Transactional Analysis Journal, 1990). Here Choy gives us some great tips on how to make the flick from below to above the line:
Victim - accept your vulnerability and move into 'problem solving' mode rather than 'pity me' mode.
Persecutor - choose assertiveness (where being fair is the priority) rather than punishment (where being right is the priority).
Rescuer - be caring and show concern, but don't take over other people's problems for them. Allow them to own their struggle.
In making this flip I find situations lighten up almost instantaneously (even when the stakes are high) and underlying respect is increased. This is not to say it is easy, but worth keeping in mind as we go about our daily business. Stronger agreements (you know, the ones that are easy to understand and stick!) result from this mindset flip and is one of the most controllable ways to boost productivity, connection, and vitality in ourselves and others.
