Flakiness

What to do when people let you down

It wasn't long ago I spent a weekend interstate catching up with a friend of mine. We went out for breakfast, played golf, watched some footy, and went out for a few drinks. In between we each took a little time out to organise a few things for work - me for my practice and he for the business he runs. He was excited to get his managers together to share the strategy he had been working on in the previous few weeks. I was excited for him. He had put a lot of thinking and investment into the process and getting everyone on board was a singular focus for his Monday morning meeting.

On Monday morning, I headed off back to Melbourne as he headed into the office. A few days later we chatted and I asked, "how did the meeting go? Good result...?" His reply:

"arghhh... one called in sick, another one had to take care of their sick child, and another one double booked themselves with a client! It was a shambles..."

I could hear it in his voice - a mix of despair and anger wrapped up in a little bundle of disappointment. It is a feeling I have had many times and a problem I see others dealing with all too regularly - flakiness. The act of being unreliable and not sticking to what was agreed. What is it with flaky people? It comes across like they don't care, are not interested, and can leave us feeling like we should give up ourselves. Even the most grounded and rational characters find this hard to swallow. So what should we do?

Listen to Don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements is a beautiful little book of wisdom (literally - it says it on the cover). The four agreements refer to agreements we can make with ourselves for personal freedom. They are great in any context, and helpful for dealing with flaky behaviour. They are:

1. Be impeccable with your word - language matters and when we use our words loosely they become less powerful. Whenever someone lets us down there is an opportunity to reflect on the instructions we gave (were they clear with emphasis and intention) as well as to be mindful of the response we give to 'said-flaky-behaviour'.

2. Don't take anything personally - this is my big one. When someone doesn't follow through on a promise my first response is to take it as a reflection on me, and how much I am not appreciated, respected, or taken seriously. Isolating me away from the behaviour guards against a deep and ugly emotional response. Usually, it has nothing to do with me and is a good reminder to stop focusing my attention on me and start focusing my attention on others.

3. Don't make assumptions - like assuming everyone will be at the meeting. Or, that the meeting will be rubbish without most people there. Or, that people can't come and therefore don't care. I could write 10-20 more assumptions on the scenario mentioned above. They don't help us and if we can turn the judgement into curiosity and problem solving we can find a very different narrative emerge.

4. Always do your best - If there is one thing leadership will do, it will test us - guaranteed. We will be stretched, pulled, and twisted emotionally, mentally, and even physically. Doing our best in the face of flakiness takes discipline, energy, and focus. When people let us down, it serves us to remember this tenant. To add to this, helping others do their best is also a part of our role. This can flip the script for what our response looks like.

Zoom out

The problem with flakiness is it happens more than once. If someone is unreliable once then it is anything but flaky. But, if there is a pattern then this reflects on the individual in question. When it happens multiple times there is a compounding effect. A temptation may be to ask questions like:

What don't you understand about 9am Monday morning? Or,

Is there anything unclear about the term 'mandatory attendance'? Or, an oldy but a goody,

How many times do I need to spell it out for you!?!

Very tempting, but in my experience not helpful.

Better questions may speak to the reasoning behind the pattern of behaviour. Asking around the person's understanding of why it is important, the impact of the behaviour, and the implications of the behaviour can help us remove assumptions. It can also deal with the elephant in the room - what is effecting their motivation. This can be a bit touchy-feely for some types, or it can be a bit woo-woo for others. But, I can assure you, this is the most pragmatic way of squashing the problem once and for all. Possibly in one conversation. 

Be kind

I need to be kind!?! When they have 'wronged' me or the team, or the client?

Yes. But, firstly be kind to yourself. People are not flaky because they don't respect you or because you are poor leader. It usually runs deeper than this and can be to do with things in their lives which you have no control over. Be kind to individual - flakiness is generally a sign of struggle. Support tends to trump castigation. 

Also, being able to distinguish kindness from being a 'soft touch' is super important. We can be the standard barer while also being empathetic and showing understanding. Brene Brown is a leading world researcher in this area, and her work elegantly showcases this approach. A keystone message from Brown is, show vulnerability and others will take the mask off and let you into what is really going on (called a vulnerability loop). This honesty not only forms a solid foundation for progress, it also creates a bond that is great for the relationship.

With these approaches we can turn the flimsiest team member into a reliable and stable performer. What other methods do you use in the face of flaky behaviour?