Keeping Everyone Happy
The path to misery
You're trying to do the right thing by everyone. You go out of your way to please the people in your team. You even work longer hours to do what is required to give people what they want. The hours they want. The exposure to opportunities they want. The instructions they want. The tools they have asked for. Even less work to do. And at the end of it, someone is still moaning. There may even be a scuffle between team members due to the actions we take to keep them all happy!
How the hell did that happen!?! Or, even worse, they get what they want and they still want more...
I suffered from this myself on more-than-one occasion as a card carrying 'people pleaser' from way back. But, I know I am not the only one. In fact, the majority of people in management positions go through this, usually early on in their leadership journey, or when stepping up a level in management hierarchy.
Why we default to 'people pleasing'
The simple answer is we want to be liked. Also, if our team are happy then we are a good manager... right? That's one of the key traits to David Brent's character in The Office (UK). Or, to look at it more holistically, it is a habit we form in our childhood to please parents (This Is Why We Become People-Pleasers, Patricia S Williams). The nature of being a leader is also a factor. Our job is to get results via others meaning there is vulnerability associated with the role. Our destiny is sort-of in our team's hands. With this in mind it makes sense to try and keep them happy. Especially when we know the pain it will cause if they want to leave or are consistently unmotivated. People pleasing makes a lot of sense, but it rarely does anything else but cause more problems than it solves.
Why people pleasing doesn't work
Dan Pink's research on motivation tells us that we are driven by a Higher Purpose (contribution), Mastery (getting better), and Autonomy (being self directed) when we are paid enough to not worry about suriving (The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, Dan Pink). If we give our people the opportunity to contribute to something bigger than themselves, to improve themselves, or to make their own decisions we are tapping into motivation that is deeper than merely giving people concessions to appease them. If we are able to match this with consistent standards, principals, and communication we have a strong base for being respected. The American billionaire Eli Broad once said, "I'd rather be respected than loved", and in my experience I have found that being liked by the team is a lot flimsier than being respected by them.
How to stop the people pleasing habit
The first thing is to re-frame the role of a leader. A leader's job is not to make everyone happy. Not even their boss or their client. A leader's job is to gain an agreed result via the people within their charge. There are a million ways to do this with people pleasing not being one of them. One of the tools within The Rhythm Effect is to use Humility and ask "who does my people pleasing serve?" The answer is you. The act of people pleasing is to serve your own need to be liked and be seen as the good guy/gal. The harsh reality is that people pleasing is all about you. It is in fact selfish.
By removing ourselves (and our feelings) from the situation, consequence, and reasoning for action we are instilling a strong level of humility. We are making judgments and decisions in service to the project, or the betterment of the responsibilities we are in charge of. This is better for everyone compared to trying to keep people happy. It is clean and a great platform for consistency. It is not easy, but there will be less misery for the leader and much more progress. If people want to get upset or negative because they don't like what they're getting then that is on them, not you.
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