The Cost of Keeping it Secret

In 2005, I joined Kingsley Ogedengbe (a.k.a. Kinsley O) as his right-hand man to create Ki Mantra (a concept we dubbed an Urban Spa) on Camden Passage in the heart of Islington, London. With Singaporean investors and a blank canvas we set about creating something new and exciting. In retrospect we had no idea what we were doing. I was in my early-to-mid twenties with very little business or life experience. Kingsley was older and more experienced but was also delving into new territory and basically making it up as he went along.

It was chaotic. Every day was an adventure from dealing with Indian textiles markets for uniforms, to fifth-generation upholsterers to up-cycle furniture, to Polish builders, and local artists for sign-writing. We got into scuffles with printers, real estate agents, and product suppliers. I was charged with getting quotes, setting up meetings, procuring stock, recruiting and training therapists, and anything else you can think of... It was stressful most days with little sleep and constant movement. Great for weight loss but not for mental health. The whole game seemed to revolve around squeezing every drop out of every pound of budget and getting the job done no matter what.

I have to admit we had a lot of fun, but I was jumping at shadows in every meeting and almost every conversation I had in relation to the business. Kingley and I spent about 12-18 months bringing the vision to reality and then opening the spa. We spent more time with each other than we did our partners at the time. It was intense and one common memory I have of this adventure was the rants I was submitted to when Kingsley found out bad news. He would get furious and verbally smash me up (and anyone else around) like Mike Tyson in the boxing ring. Blow after blow without any respite. His main message always had a common thread, "Why didn't you tell me earlier!?!" "Why am I only finding out about this now!?!" "Why don't you open your mouth!?!"

I often responded with more silence, which I am sure drove him even crazier.

I remember feeling deep down the reason for my unwillingness to share information was because I was s#!tting myself. I was scared to be wrong. I was worried about getting told off. I was basically freaking out in a perpetual state of high alert. In retrospect I also didn't understand how much my opinion mattered. What I had to say was of great value to Kingsley compared to the meek value I thought it provided. In most of these scenarios without realising it I was in fact, the subject matter expert. My thinking orbited around the idea Kingsley was the older wiser boss-man so he automatically knows best (or knows all). This is commonly called Authority Bias .

Dave Cooper, ex-Navy Seal Team Six Leader once remarked on this, "we have a natural and strong Authority Bias, so we follow orders even when we think it is wrong. Having one person tell others what to do is not a reliable way to make good decisions". I found this to be true and a concept we need to be diligent with when communicating with Global Directors, C-Suite staff, Boards, Important Clients, and people that have simply been in the business longer than us. A perceived seniority in any context is not a pass for immediate deferment.

Our perspective as the Subject Matter Expert of our remit needs a voice. This serves for better insights and better decision making. It influences the thinking of others and creates impact beyond our station. It is a critical element to leadership and is a counter-intuitive personification of humility where status, personal anxiety, and weird-unsaid-rules-of-behaviour are set aside in service to the work (or project) the collective is working on.

Reflecting on the Ki Mantra experience I look back with fondness and darkness simultaneously. The learnings I had can be bought, but there was so much unnecessary struggle and cost. Now, I finally get the impact my muted communication had on the project. I get how this was my contribution to some of the failures along the journey. And, it is a situation I hear about almost daily in workshops and coaching sessions. There may be legitimate reasons why we don't feel safe or empowered to speak up. We then have the option to sit in the victim position on Dr Stephen Karpman's Drama Triangle (Flipping Triangle, Oct 2021), or be a leader.

If we can honour the power of our perspectives and simply share them freely there is a whole world of impact on the other side of such a simple act. Being audacious enough to lead those senior to us provides them with insights they need. It develops confidence in ourselves and role models the qualities of leadership we want to see in others. This is the one lesson I would teach 2005 Paul - I have no doubt Kingsley O would have appreciated it.