Validate This
Ever had to give a team member feedback about their body odour?
I have.
Ever had to 'manage out' underperforming staff without getting into hot water with HR?
I have (more often than I'd like to admit).
Ever had to confront overperforming staff about their knobhead behaviour?
I have.
Ever had to face up when your department is underperforming across all metrics?
I have. Many, many times.
Being a Senior Leader is a relentless pursuit - juggling constant change interwoven with personalities, systems, and the marketplace.
Often, the temptation is to defer to others:
"What do we usually do when this happens?"
"How would you deal with this problem?"
"What do you think I should do?"
It is natural to crave advice and insights from others.
But what does it take to answer these questions for yourself? To be able to assess new and different challenges for ourselves? To solve them with authority and confidence?
Are your leaders equipped to deliver?
The Cavalry Is Not Coming
The first big lesson I learnt in my twenties - no one can actually help you.
As a floor manager in London, I once had a customer scream at me for over two hours about a bikini wax she claimed burned her. I used every technique - I diffused wherever I could, followed process, and offered empathy. I stood my ground as best I could to protect my staff from being falsely accused.
In the end, I was able to find out the claim was indeed false and she was just p*ssed off about who-knows-what. In the end, I wore her down, and I never saw her again.
But what was obvious to me upon reflection was this: There was no one to call. There was no one to save me. And then came the big realisation - there was no one more qualified than me to sort it out.
It taught me one of the biggest lessons in leadership:
The cavalry is never coming. And even if they did, they couldn't do the job as well as me anyway.
In a weird way, this experience (and many like it since) filled me with confidence. Especially when I've had the luxury of a senior officer with me when a challenge had to be confronted. Seeing how they either struggled or got things wrong themselves was an important insight.
What Do You Think?
We hesitate to trust ourselves, assuming others must be wiser than us. They often are not.
In over a decade of working with leaders, I have witnessed this hesitation to 'trust self' time and time again.
When I ask leaders, "What could you try?" the answers tend to be really good.
When I respond with, "That sounds great, you should just do that," they are pleasantly surprised, satisfied, and noticeably grounded.
With my validation they feel empowered to go ahead and do it.
When we realise we arethe most qualified person on the planet to take action, and that no one is coming to save or help us, we realise we are far more capable than we think.
Most of the time, it is only ourselves we need to gain permission from. It is the ultimate step towards self-validation.
